June 3, 2023

To help with losing weight, I cut down on my food intake. One Saturday, which was the day we celebrated my mom’s birthday, I worked out hard on our stationary bike. Everyone else went out to eat, but since I also have food allergies, which means there is a lot I can’t eat, I didn’t join them. There wasn’t really anything in the house to eat, so I ate a small salad Mom brought home from Olive Garden. I felt so tired that night, and hungry.

The next morning, I had so much pain I could hardly bear it. Even breathing was difficult. I tried to stretch the pain out, but the more I moved the worse it got. I stayed in bed so long that Dad got worried and came to check on me. He laid his hand on my leg but to me it felt like a ton of bricks. Every muscle in my body was as tight as a rubber band. Dad helped me to stand up and tried rubbing my neck, but it made the pain so much worse. The ringing in my ears started to increase in volume and I felt like I needed to sit down to relieve the pain. I sat at my desk while Dad continued to rub me. In a second, Dad started leaving to get something. I tried to tell him not to leave, but the words couldn’t escape my mouth; my breath was gone.

I woke up on the floor with Dad yelling in my ear for me to breath. His hand was behind my neck and his face was white. I saw my mom behind him with the phone to her ear frantically telling our address. She said the paramedics would be there shortly. They told me I passed out and stopped breathing for a little while. My legs had shaken as if it was a spasm or a seizure. But I believe it was the muscles relaxing, since when I woke up my whole body felt relaxed. They said when Dad had come back from his room, I was still talking telling them I didn’t feel good. After that, I passed out and Dad caught me, easing me to the floor. My eyes rolled back, and my face went pale as if I was dead. The fact that I didn’t know this until after I got back from the ER made the situation all that more real. God spared my life that day. He showed me that He can take me out at any time. I learned that living in rebellion to God leads to discipline, sometimes drastic discipline.

In a way, this painful and frightening experience was an answer to prayer. I had been realizing that my mind and heart were not set on things above, but on this physical life. I knew what I should do but felt powerless to change. Every time I tried to change my way of thinking or actions, it always ended in failure and usually increased my depression. My mind was set on the approval of man and protecting my pride because it was “too good” to relinquish.

God started teaching me, before the crazy occurrence, that I should focus on the eternal things which are unseen rather than the physical that is only temporary (2 Cor. 4:16-18). I started crying out that God would save me from myself; from my evil that I felt I was enslaved to. And on Sunday, February 27, 2022, God set me free from my chains. I found out that I was very anemic during this whole process, and the excess in exercise and lack of food made my body give out. It has taken about a year to get my physical strength back. But even in my weakest times, I remember thinking “I wouldn’t give this for anything in the world, because God is near.” I felt his closeness during that time. The Bible was so nourishing to me during that entire year. There were a lot of hard times when I could barely lift my arms because I was so weak, and there were thoughts of fear I struggled with that I would never be better or independent again. However, in all of those thoughts God has given me freedom.

He first took everything away, freed me from what stopped me from complete surrender. Then He taught me how to surrender and trust Him in everything (Prov. 3:5-6). He showed me that the fire of God was surrounding me, protecting me from my enemies; that there is no need to fear any threat or situation. And now, He is teaching me how to have full faith in Him. Faith is our shield that can extinguish all flaming arrows (Eph. 6:16). However strong our faith is shows how worried we will be when situations arise. Example: As soon as God taught me how to place my full faith in Him and rely on Him for my protection and provision, two flaming arrows flew at me but did not touch me. My faith did not waver in the fact that those two situations, which used to scare me to death and that happened one right after the other, were mere grains of sand to God. My faith stayed strong because my eyes were focused on Jesus. When we have our eyes fully focused on Jesus, the worries of this life, the fears we used to have, and the things that seemed so serious, are seen in a different perspective. When we focus ourselves on Jesus, and we long for Him with all our heart; when we begin to truly love Him with all our strength, mind, heart, and soul, we see civilian affairs as just that, civilian affairs.

This has been rather long, and I thank you for reading to the end. I hope it encourages you to surrender everything you have to the Lord. Because if there is anything you get from reading about my experience, I hope it is this: that Jesus and the things of heaven are far greater than anything the devil could distract us with during our short time on earth. If you feel like you can’t go any farther in surrendering, cry out to God for help. He will answer a genuine heart. That is what God wants from us; a heart that longs to know Him. And if you don’t truly know Him, look at the law of God. “For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.” 2 Cor. 5:10 NIV

I am trying to say, if you don’t know what it is to fear God, then you don’t truly know God. We must know the fear of the Lord before we can fall on the grace He has freely provided through Jesus Christ who defeated death for our sake.